5 Signs That Your Relationship is Toxic
- Is it love — or “love bombing”?
Everyone dreams of love at first sight, of meeting “the One” and being swept off their feet. But before you get those matching tattoos, make sure you haven’t fallen victim to a common manipulative ploy known as love bombing.
You’ll know you’re being love bombed by its many tell-tale signs. First, you’ll find yourself on the receiving end of an constant stream of gushy compliments that are flattering but — awesome though you might be — ring a bit hollow. Your new boo may also proclaim you her one and only soulmate before she’s even had the chance to find out that you hate Italian food and love ragtime music. While true love makes you feel supported and energized, love bombers leave you feeling overwhelmed and drained.
Still, sometimes a love bomber’s attention can be intoxicating, so take a deep breath and ask yourself a few key questions: Between the grand proclamations of undying love, does she ever get around to asking how you’re doing? Does she take an interest in how your day was, how your family is, and then really listen to the answer? When you try to talk to the love bomber about yourself or your life, does she quickly steer the conversation back to herself, or a topic of interest to her? Despite her flamboyant obsession with you, does it seem like her need for romance is really all about her?
Spoiler alert: it is. You are little more than an object to a love bomber; a target to be groomed for further manipulation. When she has you where she wants you, the romantic displays will quickly be replaced by behaviors far more noticeably toxic. Keep your distance.
2. “You can’t take a joke.”
Toxic people will often try to insult their mate in the guise of a joke, or may follow up a nasty barb with a playful “just kidding.” His all-in-fun remarks may sting, but the intent behind them may not be obvious enough to call him out on. Make no mistake: he knows what he’s doing, but if called out he’ll probably play dumb or try to turn it around on you. He “forgot that you’re sensitive about that,” he’ll say. Or he may laugh and dismiss your feelings with, “oh come on, you know I didn’t mean it like that!”
This kind of behavior is a big, passive aggressive red flag. This person will chip away at your self esteem in ways you find it difficult to pinpoint. Over time you’ll lose confidence in your perceptions and stop trusting your intuition. Don’t enter into a relationship with this person unless you’re ready to embrace gaslighting as a lifestyle.
3. Fighting dirty.
People who resort to name calling, bringing up things you’ve told them in confidence, or degrade you in any way during an argument are toxic, period. This behavior should never be rationalized away with excuses like, “he was just mad” or “he says things he doesn’t mean.” People who fight dirty suffer from an inherent lack of respect for others and an inability to observe boundaries at the times they matter most. If you stay with someone prone to episodes of verbal abuse, they will not respect or love you for it; on the contrary, they will only become more comfortable directing their abuse at you. Get out of the relationship the very first time someone behaves this way.
4. They have a mental illness, but won’t get help.
Guess what? You can suffer from mental illness and still be a jerk. If someone has a psychological condition that causes them to harm (verbally or physically) those around them, or to cause destruction in the lives of their loved ones, and they refuse to seek help, it’s okay to leave them. Really! Don’t feel guilty. And taking it a step further, even if they do agree to get help but you don’t feel up to handling the stress of the relationship, it’s STILL okay to leave. Don’t be guilted into staying — even (or maybe especially) if the person threatens to commit suicide if you go.
Unless the person is your child, someone else’s mental illness is not your responsibility or cross to bear. If supporting her means damaging your own mental health, it’s not a good tradeoff. Relationships that wear us down or cause us to put ourselves on the back burner for long periods of time generally don’t work out in the long run, anyway. If someone’s issues are too much for you, be honest with yourself — and with them — and move on sooner rather than later.
5. They build you up to tear you down.
If someone is proclaiming you the best thing since sliced bread one day and making you feel devalued or invalidated the next (especially about your looks, talent, or abilities) that person is a control freak. People like this play to your ego because they assume that yours is as big as their own. Then, when you displease them in some way, they will instantly view you through a different, less charitable lens. In a flash, you’ll go from being everything to nothing at all. The change can be quite sudden and can leave you reeling. You may wonder, “What happened? Just yesterday he complimented me on this and now he’s putting me down for the same thing.”
Remember, nobody who sincerely values you or what you have to offer will send you mixed messages about your worth. Someone who resorts to this tactic is a manipulator and a control freak (and probably a narcissist.) Don’t waste your time.
In closing, it goes without saying that if someone is prone to violent behaviors, either toward their mate or inanimate objects (e.g., breaking things when angry, slamming doors, throwing things) they need professional help and you should leave the relationship immediately. Such tendencies often escalate when left untreated and you could very well be in danger.
And remember, while intense relationships can be addictive, love isn’t supposed to run red hot at all times. True, lasting love exists in the warmer, less blinding shades that allow you to truly see the other person — and them to see you.
